5 Examples of Contempt in Relationships & How to Respond

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Takeaway: Contempt is one of the most toxic patterns in a relationship, and it can show up in subtle and unexpected ways. The good news is that spotting these signs of contempt in relationships can help you and your partner address the root causes and shift how you respond to each other.

With over two decades of experience as a couples counselor, I’ve dedicated my career to helping partners build stronger, more connected relationships. My foundation in this work began as an undergraduate research assistant at UNC Chapel Hill, where I studied under Dr. Caryl Rusbult, a leading voice in relationship research who collaborated with Dr. John Gottman.

The founder of the Gottman Institute, Dr. Gottman is one of the most influential figures in relationship science, best known for his decades of research on the differences between happy couples from unhappy couples.

His work led to the development of the Gottman Method, an evidence-based approach to couples therapy grounded in the Sound Relationship House, a comprehensive relationship framework that emphasizes strengthening friendship, improving communication, and managing conflict in healthy ways.

After becoming licensed, I further honed my skills by participating in a PhD-level practicum in the Department of Psychology at UNC Chapel Hill and completing advanced training in the Gottman Method.

Since then, I’ve spent more than 20 years in private practice, specializing in helping couples navigate relationship challenges, and rebuild intimacy when conflict has pulled them apart.

In the Gottman Method framework, contempt is recognized as one of the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”—a set of destructive communication patterns strongly predictive of divorce.

Research has shown that while both happy and unhappy couples argue, contempt is what separates the two: it erodes respect, trust, and emotional safety faster than almost any other dynamic. To combat contempt, partners need to recognize it early and replace it with healthier forms of communication that restore connection and mutual respect.

I created this post to provide clear, research-informed guidance about contempt—one of the most destructive forces in relationships. We’ll look at examples of contempt in action, discuss whether a relationship can survive it, and explore practical strategies to promote healthy communication and overcome contempt before it leads to relationship failure.

Let’s start by identifying the most common signs of contempt in a relationship.

Common signs of contempt in a relationship

So exactly what is contempt in a relationship, and what does it look like? Contempt often shows up in ways that feel small in the moment but cut deeply over time. These patterns usually come through facial expressions, sarcastic remarks, or dismissive behavior that signal superiority rather than respect.

Some of the most common signs include:

• Eye rolling when your partner shares something important
• Facial expressions like sneering, smirking, or mocking gestures
• Laughing at or imitating your partner’s tone, words, or mannerisms
• Sarcastic responses that belittle instead of build connection
• Name-calling or put-downs meant to highlight flaws or shortcomings

Very often, the partner expressing contempt is unaware of their behavior, and their partner’s emotional reaction reinforces their sense of superiority. This creates a contempt cycle—a vicious loop that keeps both partners stuck in negative patterns unless they recognize it and intentionally choose a different way forward.

Real-life examples of contempt in relationships

Contempt doesn’t always appear in obvious outbursts. More often, it slips into everyday interactions through sarcasm, dismissive tones, or cutting looks. These moments may seem small, but over time they chip away at trust and intimacy.

By developing self awareness, paying attention to non verbal cues, and learning the antidotes to contempt, couples can replace these destructive patterns with direct communication and genuine respect. Below are some real-life examples of contemptuous behavior and how to work through them.

“Oh here we go, here comes the drama.”

• Example scenario: One partner dismisses the other’s feelings before they’ve even had a chance to explain, rolling their eyes and labeling them “dramatic.”
• Root cause: This often stems from frustration with recurring issues and the belief that one partner’s emotions are exaggerated or invalid.
• How to address it: Instead of dismissing, use a gentle startup: “I feel overwhelmed when we argue about this. Can we slow down and try to understand each other?”
• Therapist insight: Mindfulness can help here. If you notice your body tense and your eyes starting to roll, pause. Awareness of your non verbal cues allows you to choose compassion instead of contempt.

“My god, he never shuts up.”

• Example scenario: One partner mutters this under their breath during a long conversation, making the other feel small and silenced.
• Root cause: Underlying issues often involve feeling unheard or emotionally flooded, leading to sharp, contemptuous remarks instead of constructive dialogue.
• How to address it: Practice direct communication by expressing needs clearly: “I need a break to gather my thoughts, and then I’ll be ready to listen.”
• Therapist insight: Gottman’s research shows that turning toward instead of away builds connection. By stating what you do need rather than attacking, you give your partner a roadmap for repair.

Mocking a partner’s tone: “Well, if you would just be perfect like I am…”

• Example scenario: One partner mimics the other in a sarcastic, exaggerated way, treating them like a child.
• Root cause: This contemptuous behavior often arises from resentment or the belief that the other partner is too controlling or critical.
• How to address it: Focus on increasing fondness and admiration. Pause to recall qualities you value in your partner, even when you’re annoyed.
• Therapist insight: Mocking creates distance, while admiration builds closeness. Practicing self awareness and catching yourself before you mock allows you to redirect toward respect.

“There you go again.”

• Example scenario: A partner interrupts with this phrase whenever the other brings up a concern, shutting down the conversation.
• Root cause: The phrase reflects defensiveness and a lack of patience with repeated complaints, often masking deeper issues that haven’t been resolved.
• How to address it: Use mindfulness during conflict. Notice what’s in your mind (defensiveness), what’s in your body (tightness in your chest), and what’s outside you (your partner is struggling with effective communication).
• Therapist insight: When we slow down, we create space for empathy. Recognizing contempt in real time gives you the chance to shift toward curiosity instead of criticism.

“I can’t believe I married such a moron.”

• Example scenario: This extreme insult delivers contempt in its purest form: name-calling with the intent to demean.
• Root cause: Deep-seated resentment and unspoken hurt can fuel these attacks, often tied to long-standing unmet needs or disconnection.
• How to address it: The antidote is direct communication. Instead of attacking your partner's character, identify the need: “I feel frustrated because I have a very different perspective on this, and I would like to hear more curiosity about my feelings and point of view.”
• Therapist insight: When contempt crosses into outright verbal abuse, the relationship is in serious danger. Yet, with guided work on rebuilding admiration and shifting from contempt to vulnerability, couples can still repair if both are willing.

Contempt is painful, but it’s not inevitable. By becoming more mindful of non verbal cues, replacing contemptuous behavior with direct communication, and practicing admiration daily, couples can combat contempt and foster healthier, more connected relationships.

FAQs about contempt in a relationship

What is the root cause of contempt in a relationship?

There’s no singular cause of contempt in a relationship. Contempt often grows out of repeated communication breakdowns that leave one or both partners feeling unseen or unheard.

Over time, negative emotions like resentment or frustration can harden into a pattern of resentment and emotional distance. Common roots include unresolved conflict, differences in values or expectations, or a loss of mutual respect.

Each couple’s situation is unique, but contempt usually signals that serious issues are impacting the emotional connection between the partners. To have a healthy relationship, these issues must be addressed.

Is contempt the biggest predictor of divorce?

Yes, contempt is considered the single biggest predictor of relationship failure and divorce. In Dr. Gottman’s research, contempt erodes mutual respect, breeds negative emotions, and is often called the silent relationship killer.

While partners may sometimes feel contempt toward one another, that alone isn’t what predicts separation. The risk grows when those feelings spill over into contemptuous negative behaviors—such as sarcasm, mocking, or eye-rolling—that signal deeper underlying problems in the relationship.

When constructive dialogue is replaced by these patterns, trust erodes, and contempt in your relationship becomes the strongest warning sign that it may be headed toward dissolution.Can a marriage recover from contempt?

Yes, marriage can recover from contempt with intentional effort from both parties. Healing begins when partners commit to rebuilding mutual respect, addressing communication breakdowns, and reversing emotional distance through increasing positive interactions.

Couples often benefit from learning to replace contempt with appreciation and expressing needs directly rather than with sarcasm or hostility. With consistent effort to restore the emotional connection—and often with professional support—a marriage can transform contempt into renewed closeness and resilience, even after serious struggles.

When to consider therapy to deal with contempt in your relationship

The strategies we’ve covered so far can help you reduce contempt and bring more awareness to your interactions, but they are not a substitute for professional guidance. Sometimes, the underlying issues fueling contempt are too complex to resolve on your own.

Working with a trained therapist provides a space to rebuild trust, strengthen your mental health, and restore marital stability. This is true for all couples—whether you've been together months or years, married or unmarried, straight or LGBTQ—because contempt can undermine respect and intimacy in any partnership.

You might consider therapy if you notice:

• Persistent emotional disconnection that leaves you feeling like roommates rather than partners.
• A pattern of sarcasm, eye-rolling, or other signs of contempt that erode respect.
• Feeling stuck in an unhealthy relationship dynamic you can’t change on your own.
• Declining marital stability, where the thought of separation or divorce is becoming more frequent.
• Negative interactions far outweighing the positive, leaving little space for positive sentiment. Research has shown we need to have at least five positive interactions for every conflict interaction in order to feel good about our relationship!
• The conflict is impacting your mental health, leading to stress, anxiety, or depression.

Therapy offers more than symptom relief—it helps couples shift from harmful patterns toward genuine repair and reconnection. With professional support, contempt doesn’t have to define the future of your relationship.

Final thoughts

As we’ve explored, contempt is one of the most damaging forces in a relationship. It's a key componant of conflict escalation, and demonstrates a lack of curiosity about the other’s perspective.

Left unchecked, contempt can undermine respect, erode intimacy, and destabilize even the strongest bonds. Yet, with awareness and intentional effort, couples can interrupt this destructive cycle and replace it with understanding, appreciation, and healthier communication.

By learning to identify contempt, practicing antidotes like expressing gratitude, and working toward greater empathy, couples set the stage for a more resilient and fulfilling partnership. If you notice contempt surfacing in your relationship, don’t wait for it to take deeper root.

Therapy provides the tools, guidance, and support you need to restore trust and connection. Reaching out to a qualified therapist could be the first step toward building the healthier, more connected relationship you both deserve.

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