Six Reasons Why People Cheat [According to a Therapist]

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Takeaway: There’s no singular reason why people cheat. As a therapist, I’ve seen that people tend to get stuck on what happened, but the real question—the one that actually helps you heal—is why. Whether you’re the one who was betrayed or the one who crossed a line, understanding the deeper reasons people cheat can bring clarity, compassion, and a clearer sense of what to do next.

As an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist in private practice, I have worked with both people who have cheated on their partners and those whose partner has cheated. I've seen how painful this experience can be for individuals, families, and entire social circles. One of the top questions I hear in my practice is "why do people cheat on their partners?"

One of the most painful things that someone could believe about why a partner cheats is that it's because they are "not good enough." For someone who has cheated, one of the most painful things they can hear is that it means that something is inherently wrong with them. Neither of these fears are true.

In this article, we'll explore some of the reasons for cheating that are rooted in deeper issues. This is an opportunity to make sense of the pain of cheating beyond judging an entire person as either all good or all bad.

Short answer: Why do people cheat on someone they love?

People tend to cheat because they don't feel that they have another option to deal with unresolved issues in their own minds or in the relationship. Of course, it isn't true that a cheating partner doesn't have other options, but it may feel that way.

A few examples of the types of deeper issues that can contribute to cheating are:

• Unresolved internal conflicts around intimacy
• Low self-awareness of one's own mind in a committed relationship
• Psychologically needing to "split" self into different relationships
• Early childhood developmental issues around relationship triads
• Social pressures to maintain a certain relationship structure
• Repetition of family cycles

You might notice right away that these reasons for cheating are individual risk factors and don't necessarily say anything about whether or not they love their partner. While the current relationship dynamics do matter, we'll focus most deeply on what's happening in the mind of the person who cheats. The question of love is not one of the biggest reasons people cheat.

A deeper look at common reasons for cheating

Let's take a deeper look at the six answers above to the question, "Why do people cheat?". This information is based on human development, including possible childhood trauma, that can increase individual risk factors for infidelity. We can agree that affairs harm people, but I believe that shame doesn't help us further our understanding.

1. Unresolved internal conflicts around intimacy

• Example scenario: This can refer to many different types of internal conflicts, but a common example is when someone longs for closeness and intimacy, but also greatly fears it. They might worry about being trapped with someone when they get close, while also not wanting to be alone.
• If you cheated: You might be feeling angry with yourself because as much as you want to be close to your partner, you find yourself feeling more drawn to others outside of the marriage or relationship. This is due to the perceived safety in distance from the new person. It is an unrealistic expectation to think that this internal conflict will disappear in the next relationship with the new person.
• If you were cheated on: You might be worn down from the confusing mixed signals. The person may say that they love you and want only you, but their actions don’t match. You are confused in part because your partner is also confused.
• Therapist insight: For both partners, it can feel like this cycle is never ending. These deep internal conflicts are connected to childhood development and what a child internalizes about intimacy. The more this is understood and brought into awareness, the more clearly the person who cheated can see the reality of the current relationship.

2.) Low self-awareness of feelings in a committed relationship

• Example scenario: When someone isn’t aware of their feelings towards their partner, they can show up through action rather than through words. For example, let's say someone is feeling left out by their partner, resulting in feelings of anger. If they aren’t aware of this, they might use an action like infidelity to show anger before even realizing why.
• If you cheated: It may be helpful to reflect on how you know, feel, and communicate anger and other difficult emotions. Are you quick to brush things off or think there’s no point in letting yourself express yourself?
• If you were cheated on: It can be so disorienting and surprising to learn that your partner was harboring feelings you weren’t given a chance to be aware of. There may also be an opportunity to reflect on what it’s like for you to know when people have negative feelings towards you. 
• Therapist insight: It’s common to have fears of knowing and experiencing feelings like anger fully, especially if anger wasn’t tolerated or safe in your family growing up. Suppressed or repressed emotions can be incredibly powerful catalysts of actions we don’t understand.

3.) Psychologically needing to "split" self into different relationships

• Example scenario: Childhood trauma, early life experiences, and our first relationships can influence how safe we perceive it to be to know all parts of ourselves at once. Sometimes people who have trouble integrating multiple parts of themselves into a cohesive sense of self seek out different relationships for different parts of themselves. For example, someone with a lot of shame about wanting closeness might seek out an affair partner to feel close to because it is coded as “bad” in their mind or because there is built in distance due to the secrecy. To be clear, this is referring to people who have committed to a monogamous relationship, not necessarily those who practice consensual non-monogamy.
• If you cheated: You might not understand why you feel the need to be with someone else when your primary partner is able to offer so much. There is much to be gained from reflecting on how you may be idealizing your partner or assuming that they wouldn’t understand darker parts of yourself.
• If you were cheated on: It might feel incredibly unfair to not get all parts of your partner when want to connect with them on a deep level. It isn’t your fault that someone is engaging in splitting with you—this has more to do with their internal conflicts.
• Therapist insight: The more this is understood both individually and in the couple or marriage, the less pressure there is on the non-offending partner to try to be “perfect” or “good enough” for the offending partner to confide in. Similarly, the person who cheated can have a greater sense of agency in their decision making when they understand what kind of pattern they’ve been engaging in. 

4.) Early childhood developmental issues around relationship triads

• Example scenario: There are several key developmental tasks that happen in childhood, roughly around ages 3-6, that involve the emotional and psychological complexity of understanding relationships not only in a one on one setting, but also in groups of three. You may have heard this referred to as the Oedipal phase of development. There is much contemporary debate about the gendered dynamics of this phase. It is most simple and important to understand that regardless of gender dynamics, children have complex fears and fantasies about what it means to be in triads. Sometimes these conflicts show up in relational difficulties as adults. 
• If you cheated: If this is true for you, it’s probably happening entirely outside of your awareness. It might even sound silly to think that anything from so early in life could impact your adult relationships. It isn’t your fault if this is true for you, but it’s important to be able to use your adult mind with the help of a trained therapist to understand this part of your development and how it’s impacting you now. 
• If you were cheated on: This might sound like a far-fetched excuse for behavior that harmed you. It’s part of what a therapist may be listening for to help your partner understand themselves, but it isn’t meant to excuse harmful behavior. 
• Therapist insight: Even more so than the other reasons given, this type of inner conflict is complicated and requires professional support to understand. As a practitioner, it’s a developmental stage I want to be sure I have a good understanding of, but doesn't provide a simple one-to-one reason for infidelity.

5.) Social pressures to maintain a certain relationship structure

• Example scenario: Couples live embedded within a community and larger social context. Someone may feel a great deal of shame or fear of public humiliation if they are not able to live up to social expectations. For some, the thought of ending a relationship they want out of would be too shameful for what they believe they could tolerate. For others, it might not be safe to leave, which is a topic deserving of its own distinct considerations. 
• If you cheated: If this resonates with you, it’s a good clue that it’s difficult for you to feel valuable to others outside of being in a specific role. Another way of saying this is that you may have low self-image or poor self-esteem. 
• If you were cheated on: It’s possible that some of this resonates with you, too. It can be so frustrating to know that you were both unhappy but that you stuck to the agreement and your partner didn’t. 
• Therapist insight: This is a good chance to reflect on the differences between fears, difficult experiences, and absolute truths. A therapist can help you understand how these become melded together in your mind. I find that people who can learn to tolerate these types of negotiations increase their self-esteem.

6.) Repetition of family cycles

• Example scenario: Our families and first relationships teach us everything we know early in life about relationships. Some families have patterns of multiple relationships, lying, or secrets. Even though infidelity isn’t something that most people wish to imitate, it can be a way to unconsciously feel connected to a family member or family system.
• If you cheated: It isn’t enough to wish to be different from our families or to try to do the opposite. Many people need more help understanding how their childhood experiences have shaped them.
• If you were cheated on: You can have empathy for your partner’s childhood experiences while also holding them responsible for their adult choices. 
• Therapist insight: It is possible for people who come from all types of family backgrounds to have happy relationships in adulthood. This might require more support and help, but it doesn’t mean that someone is “doomed” if they have a family history of infidelity or low commitment.

Busting common myths about why people cheat

When people feel lost about why their loved one or themselves have cheated, they frequently look online for help. Maybe that's what's brought you here. In an attempt to seek validation, you will also find some myths that could leave you feeling hopeless.

Some of the myths I have seen that are presented as key reasons for an extramarital affair or infidelity are:

• Anyone who cheats is a narcissist: I have seen a lot of talk online about cheating being connected with unresolved trauma, narcissism, bipolar disorder, personality disorders, and more. Each one of these diagnoses is complex, and the desire to use any of them to explain cheating is overly simplistic. The truth is that infidelity can happen independently of these mental health concerns.
• Sexual desire is always at the forefront of cheating: Sexual desire might be a part of a risk factor for cheating, but it also might not be. Sometimes sexual behavior is all we can see from the outside, but it doesn't tell us about what's happening for someone in their internal world.
• Once a cheater, always a cheater: The idea that people cheat because it's just who they are is a limiting way of viewing a whole person. Someone may be more likely to cheat if they have done it in the past without ever reflecting on why, but it isn't true that cheating is just a part of a person's makeup.

The important lesson to consider with any reason given online is that there is always more nuance and individuality to any one person than the internet can provide. Family therapy, couples therapy, and individual therapy are all better places to explore these complex topics in depth.

Healing after infidelity

There are a lot of intense feelings after an affair for both partners. One partner is dealing with an overwhelming sense of betrayal, one partner with an overwhelming sense of shame, and both can feel lost and confused. It’s difficult to know where to start when looking for help because this is such a loaded topic for so many. A part of you might wish that someone could just tell you what to do while another part of you would be furious if anyone dared! 

For the one who was cheated on:

Your friends and family will most likely be focused on one question: will you stay or go? The focus on this question can increase the pressure and confusion you feel about making the “right” choice. Let’s think about some more helpful framing:

• You do not need to make a decision about the future of your relationship with any sense of urgency. It’s okay to take time to think through next steps.
• It’s also okay if you do have a quick response about next steps, even if people around you disagree. 
• The urge to know what you did “wrong” or ways that you weren’t “good enough” can be strong. It’s important to remember all of the reasons that could make someone likely to cheat that aren’t connected to your worth.
• Be clear with your support system about what type of feedback you are looking for.
• Know that a good therapist will help you think through all sides of your own mind.

The most important step is to get support. Even though this is a tough topic to talk about, there are ways of getting the support you need without feeling as though you need to agree with everything you are told from the people who care about you. Healing can happen separately or together.

For the one cheated:

If you are someone who cares about not repeating yourself and doesn’t want to harm others, then you are someone who can benefit from help understanding yourself. This is a time for serious self-reflection on unmet needs, repressed feelings, and your developmental history that has led to this point. 

• Resist the temptation to sugarcoat the truth or lessen any confession.
• Respect your partner’s choices. For example, if they ask for space or time, give it freely without guilt or pressure.
• Seek out support from people who love you, even if they are disappointed in you.
• Know that a good therapist can help you make sense of your own actions without writing you off as a “bad” person.

You might have an inclination to hide or believe that only your partner needs support. However, if you have acted in a way that doesn’t fit with your values, you also need support—it just might not be your partner who is able to provide it. 

For both partners:

This is a time of crisis for the partnership or marriage, and the partnership itself may be in question. There is a lot to process, and it can take some time to work through.

• Take your time making big decisions about your future. If you’re unsure, you’re unsure. Of course this doesn’t apply if one partner is sure about separating.
• Be mindful of who you share with. As mentioned above, getting support is crucial, but be intentional about who you get support from, especially if you are trying to work things out.
• Make use of family therapy or couples therapy to understand what was happening in the dynamic before the infidelity.
• Be honest with each other, talk it out, but take breaks. You need time to engage with other meaningful parts of your life in this time of crisis.

Similarly to the support each of you need individually, working together requires care, honesty, reflection, and rest.

FAQs about relationship cheating

Can someone truly love you and still cheat?

Yes, someone can truly love you and still cheat. Love is a personal word, and the definition of what love means to you is not for anyone else to say. The risk factors for cheating have more to do with complex relational and intrapsychic dynamics than they do with whether or not someone loves someone else.

Can I ever stop cheating?

Yes, it’s possible to stop cheating. Serial infidelity is a serious concern and it's a good thing that you are taking responsibility for it. If you are someone who finds yourself feeling trapped in this cycle or has had an affair more than once, you can stop, but you might not be able to do it alone. You can protect your subsequent relationships by getting help making sense of yourself now.

Is cheating a mental illness?

No, cheating itself isn’t a mental illness. This is sometimes said out of anger as an insult to someone who breaks their commitment. It might be said that they are "broken," " mentally ill," or otherwise completely unwell. The truth is that people break their commitments with or without additional clinical mental illness, and having a diagnosis of a mental health syndrome doesn't increase the risk of cheating.

Does the guilt of cheating go away?

Yes, the guilt of cheating can transform over time. Guilt can initially be helpful to realize that an affair was wrong according to your personal value system. Over time, guilt can transform into acceptance of the pain caused by an affair. This happens through talking, feeling, and processing. It doesn't mean you change your mind about the harm of the affair, but that you are more emotionally integrated.

Final thoughts

As a licensed mental health professional, I have experience helping people grapple with questions like, “Can someone truly love you and still cheat?”, “ Can I ever stop cheating?”, and “Does the guilt of cheating go away?” The answers are complex and take time to uncover. I find that people who are able to face themselves and seek answers are able to find a great deal of relief. 

The answers to why people cheat have to do with childhood development, complex interpersonal dynamics, intrapsychic conflicts, and more. We can’t boil it down to a simple moral equation of good vs. bad, even though we know that affairs and infidelity are emotionally harmful. 

Whether you have cheated or have been cheated on – or both – please know that help is available to you. A highly skilled therapist can help you work your way through this issue. There is freedom in